It has been three years since I last stepped on stage as a bikini competitor. 2011 was a big year of competitions for me. One where I competed in nearly ten shows and missed my IFBB Pro Card by one placing at North Americans and that was a tough pill to swallow given that was my big dream at the time. I felt like a complete failure. I had dedicated the better part of 4 years working to get there and “now what was I going to do?”. I found my whole identity was wrapped up in being a competitor and I didn’t really know who I was or if I even liked what I had become.
Since then a lot has changed in my life.
- I was married and now I am single.
- I was living in Evansville, IN and now I am living in Dallas, TX.
- I was at the end of a very long year and really wondering how I had found myself right where I was in my life.
- I was very unhappy, over worked, travelling over 200 days that year for my day job, wondering how I could possibly have a failing marriage?
- I was struggling with sever body image issues and found myself in a very bad cycle of binge-ing and purging and doing cardio for ridiculous amounts of time.
At the time I felt like everything around me was crumbling away and I had no control over any of it.
I finally woke up and took control over my own life at the beginning of 2012. I realized that only I was going to be able to actually fix my life. The unhappy, empty life that I had actually created. It’s funny, but not funny, how we might think to ourselves, “How did I end up here?” not really aware that it was a long line of decisions we made about our lives that put us exactly where we are at any given time.
A lot of this story I have not shared with anyone except one or two people that I love and trust very much. I was afraid of what people might think about me. That I was such a failure. I was, after all, on the cover of some major magazines, appeared to have the perfect marriage, appeared to have a glamorous job “jet setting” around the world. Appearances really are not everything and I wasn’t fooling anyone, especially those who knew me best.
The last three years I have done a lot of soul searching and I know my decisions are getting better. For one, I am the happiest I have been in years. I have learned that saying NO sometimes actually contributes to my happiness. I know that I have some of the best friends and family that a girl could ask for. I know that I can do anything I put my mind to and I know that I can recover. I have recovered from heartache. Come to terms with the idea that I am a single woman again when I thought I would be married for the rest of my life. I am strong and smart enough and resourceful enough to take care of myself. I have a healthy relationship with food again thanks to a really amazing support group who really helped me put everything that seems so messy and insurmountable into perspective.
I know that I love fitness and I love to run and bike outside and lift weights and go for walks. I love fashion design and I am amazing at sewing and want to start my own clothing line. I also know that I would love to be married again someday and have someone to share my life with and travel the world with and own a dog and maybe if it’s still possible I would love to have a baby too.
I am turning 40 in April and I am excited for what 2015 has in store for me.
I will be representing Texas at the Mrs. US Globe Pageant in March 2015 in Las Vegas, NV. and I will be working hard to raise awareness and funds for our charity, the W.I.N. Foundation which has brought so much good to the very dark subject of domestic violence. I also will be working on a healthy mind and a healthy body as I prepare in the coming months to spend 4 amazing days in Las Vegas with all of my “Globe” sisters.
I would love to share my journey with you along the way including:
- what I am doing to raise funds, I have some charity events in the works that I am excited about
- what I will be doing to get physically fit, I have some great workouts and tips and tricks that I can’t wait to share with you
- what I will be doing to improve my mental fitness, there are some great programs like the whole movement about being “mindful” which my best friend has had first-hand experiencing and I am excited to learn more about
You will see me on stage at the Ms. USA Pageant the best me that I can be and you will see me in the pages of Maxim Magazine which is also an incredible dream come true and you just might see me on stage in a bikini to celebrate my 40th birthday.
Why am I doing all this? Mainly because I can and it is never too late to start now!
I would love to hear from you!